An easy one for you half-wits…
Both “styles” of the test will be posted from now on…as you folks are such a persnickety bunch…so don’t get your panties in a knot.
Take the test below, or take it by clicking here:http://toeicefordummies.polldaddy.com/s/an-easy-on-for-you-half-wits?iframe=1
DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.
1.
(A) Two of the men moonlight on weekends as feather dusters.
(B) The American tourists think Sleeping Beauty’s castle in Disneyworld is much more impressive.
(C) Two of the men were born with incredibly elongated heads.
(D) Buckingham palace neither bucks, nor was named after cured pork.
2.
(A) It is distasteful to stare at another person’s posterior for more than a few seconds.
(B) The man foolishly bought equipment when his girlfriend told him she was surfing the crimson tide.
(C) The board-member borrowed a board because he’s bored with his own board.
(D) The vehicle isn’t the only thing in the picture that has rear entry.
3.
(A) The first meeting for volunteers of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign has officially begun.
(B) Attendance to the non-Asian students association at UCLA was much higher than expected.
(C) The Saudi Arabian chapter of alcoholics anonymous has gotten off to a rocky start.
(D) The customer service department at Yahoo remains empty for a large portion of the year.
4.
(A) Just as one should never trust a thin cook, one should never trust a bald barber.
(B) The barber is smiling as he thought the young man said “I’m more of a top than a bottom” rather than “take more off the top than the bottom.”
(C) The young man has turned down the stylist’s advances explaining that he is only gay on Tuesdays.
(D) The hairdresser is amused that the young man’s hairline is receding and that he will soon be as bald as him.
5.
(A) One woman is explaining to the other how douching with vinegar will keep her feeling fresh.
(B) Being fat was a sign of health and beauty in ancient times.
(C) The nurses turned black and white in shock when they discovered Dr. Honeycutt’s collection of moonshine.
(D) Contrary to popular belief, nurses’ uniforms in the 1950s were not designed by the KKK.
6.
(A) He has discovered where Charlie Brown gets all his Christmas trees.
(B) He is spying on Mr. Moose whose wife suspects him of having an affair with Ms. Elk.
(C) He has cut down all the trees because they impeded his view of the sky.
(D) He is taking photos of the site where he plans to bury his victims.
7.
(A) The Wiccans are annoyed when people mistakenly assume they are Canadian hipsters.
(B) Much to the delight of world citizens, the magician club’s next trick will be to make themselves disappear.
(C) Much to the chagrin of the Goths, Liam has chosen to wear an avocado-green shirt.
(D) The Satanists have decided to sacrifice the white person with dreadlocks…and who can blame them?
8.
(A) Sister Guenther manages to get around quite well, despite having only one leg.
(B) Sister Klassen thinks Sister Guenther looks like a Jezebel whore without her bonnet on.
(C) Being fat was a sign of health and beauty in ancient times.
(D) Having insulted the Jews so horribly, John Galliano has taken on work as a swimwear designer for the Amish.
9.
(A) In an embarrassing twist of events, the bridesmaid just realised she has forgotten to iron her gown.
(B) When asked why she wasn’t wearing white to the wedding, the bride giggled nervously.
(C) The woman’s gown can also be used as a handy tent during camping excursions.
(D) The only way the bride could convince the maid of honour to wear the hideous dress, was to get her incredibly drunk.
10.
(A) The man is demanding a refund for Lindsey Lohan’s latest romantic comedy.
(B) The porn theatre still has a few customers, as senior citizens are incapable of using the Internet.
(C) The man has asked for tickets to the latest “Heddy Lamarr picture show.”
(D) The old couple cannot remember if they remember having seen the film “Remembrance.”
Grrrr…
So, although people whined about the previous format of the UNOFFICIAL TOE-ICE practice test, now I see that nobody is clicking the the link to the NEW format which allows examinees to take the test immediately and see their scores! Argh! What do you dingbats want? SO…here is the most recent test in the OLD format. I shall post BOTH versions from now on. The things I do for all of you…the mind boggles.
DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.
1.
(A) The lead singer tires of people asking him if his carpet also matches his ginger drapes.
(B) It is uncommonly known that Edward Norton and Cynthia Nixon are also members in a band.
(C) The men are singing a song about the lost innocence of youth entitled Eating Granola on a Vespa.
(D) The audience is thankful for the invention of auto-tune.
2.
(A) The man has prepared a light luncheon for Rush Limbaugh.
(B) The man has peed in the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.
(C) The man has blown his nose into the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.
(D) The man should be nominated for sainthood.
3.
(A) Due to public outcry, London’s red light district is now a red bus district.
(B) One would hope the woman has a more attractive outfit in her bag.
(C) The wicked witch has managed to get her red shoes back from Dorothy.
(D) The last time the model had a bowel movement was in 2001 when she ate a cracker.
4.
(A) According to Martha Stewart, cyclists in spandex are a good thing.
(B) Who cares what the answer is…there’s a hot, half-naked cyclist wearing spandex!
(C) Tom Cruise would never post a “do not enter” sign anywhere near this fine male specimen (ALLEGEDLY!).
(D) Considering the subject of this picture, the traffic cone seems rather phallic.
5.
(A) The man is carrying a spare leg in the guitar case.
(B) Canadian hipster fashion is so quirky that it causes people to remove their corneas with claw hammers.
(C) The woman is holding her head as she believes it is about to fall off. *
(C) Due to the incredible amount of couscous they ingest, hippies tend to have lethal gas problems.
*Drugs are bad. M’Kay?
6.
(A) She is trimming her bush.
(B) She is giving the lawn a Brazilian.
(C) She has no husband to do the man’s work around the house.
(D) She is shouting “your ass is grass” at the piece of equipment.
7.
(A) It remains a mystery as to what businessmen actually do to earn a living.
(B) Pigeons are filthy scavengers which carry disease. Not unlike the two lawyers.
(C) One can only hope that Petunia the Pigeon will take a dump on those nice Brooks Brothers suits.
(D) The grounds of Buckingham Palace are notorious cruising grounds for young princes.
8.
(A) The impoverished man cannot afford to purchase himself a shirt.
(B) The pet should be taken away from her master, as he has obviously snapped her tail in rage.
(C) As the man must go around shirtless, the woman is pleased that he is impoverished.
(D) After being stung by a jellyfish the man was unable to convince the woman or the dog to pee on him.
9.
(A) The British have notoriously terrible teeth.
(B) Cher’s appearance before going through hair and makeup is quite shocking.
(C) One monkey is crying out in pain while the other is popping a pimple on his back.
(D) This photo belongs in the TOE-LICE test, not the TOE-ICE test.
10.
(A) The speaker is showing audience members which palm he uses to pleasure himself.
(B) The man has raised five fingers to indicate the number of times he pleasures himself in a day.
(C) The speaker is asking for five volunteers to assist him in pleasuring himself.
(D) The man is hilarious to look at because he is bald.
Another practice test for you nimrods. Oh, this is tiring.
Here’s the next one. Gosh, I am drained trying to help you simpletons learn.
Find out what this man is indicating to his audience through the use of sign language.
Take the UNOFFICIAL TOE-ICE practice test by clicking THIS LINK:
http://toeicefordummies.polldaddy.com/s/because-i-care-for-your-education-another-test-for-you-dolts?iframe=1
Back by unpopular demand…”What are they saying?”
Look at the picture below. Choose the answer that best describes what each person in the picture is saying:
MAN:
(A) No, I am not related to Lucy Liu.
(B) You think there’s a computer in my bag just because I’m Asian? Racist!
(C) Have you ever considered getting your nappy hair straightened?
(D) It hurts that you are responding to my asking you out on a date with laughter.
WOMAN:
(A) Then are you related to Jackie Chan?
(B) It is obvious to me that you are hiding your erection with that computer bag.
(C) Have you ever considered wearing men’s shoes?
(D) Sorry, I’m just laughing because I thought you asked me out on a date!
Newest TOE-ICE Practice Test for You Dolts…
CLICK ON THIS TO TAKE THE TOE-ICE PRACTICE TEST: View Survey
Find out why on God’s green earth the woman is raising her hand!
SO…like this better? Or back to the old style?
CLICK ON THIS TO TAKE THE NEW STYLE TOE-ICE TEST: View Survey
What could possibly be the correct answer for this picture? Well, click above and take the damn test to find out…lazy dingbats.
I know you folks are SO busy filing your nails, but check this out…do you like the new format of the UNOFFICIAL official TOE-ICE practice test or not? Comments?
DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.
1.
(A) The younger man is indeed proof that there IS a lid for every potter.
(B) The older man is imagining that he is Patrick Swayze and the other man is Demi Moore.
(C) The younger man is making the older man a pot to piss in.
(D) After graduating from Hogwarts, Ron opened a ceramics studio under the pseudonym of “Hairy Potter.”
2.
(A) Daylight robbery in Idaho is simply out of control.
(B) Unfortunately for the rednecks, they have not yet heard about the invention of a “wallet.”
(C) Film production on Transformers: Rise of the ATMS is coming along swimmingly.
(D) The men wish they could find a woman that allows them to insert things into her and spits out cash.
3.
(A) The privileged white women are taking advantage of the cheap labour of the lower classes.
(B) One woman takes care of paws while the other one takes care of hooves.
(C) The manicurists are not amused that the customer’s “tip” was for them to “learn to speak better English.”
(D) The women may have disgusting careers, but both their children are attending UCLA.
4.
(A) A family from the Ozarks is moving into a brand new lawn.
(B) When life gives you two lawn chairs, a bicycle, and a dog…set up house.
(C) The movers are informing the clients that the van is for rent, but not as a residence.
(D) The woman is scolding her pet for staring at the shirtless hillbilly walking down the road.
5.
(A) Talking to oneself is a sure sign of schizophrenia.
(B) If you say the word “apple” whilst holding your tongue with your fingers it sounds like a naughty synonym for “rectum.”
(C) The man’s ID badge, headset, and Mac make him feel important.
(D) A large, black snot-ball is hanging from one of the man’s nostrils.
6.
(A) Natives of India still have yet to learn how to properly play baseball.
(B) A cricket is an insect somewhat related to the grasshopper.
(C) Take the words “long bat, balls, tight end, pads, bent over, poles” and make your own damn joke.
(D) By rubbing their legs together, the cricketers emit a high-pitched noise that drives away mates.
7.
(A) A TOE-ICE examination is incomplete without a photograph of a bouchedag Canadian hipster.
(B) He is talking to his indie-album promoter about an upcoming gig at the local men’s public restrooms.
(C) “Bouchedag” is not a real word, but it should be.
(D) He is growing out his hair so that he can later use it to make a “whimsicle” macramé hammock.
8.
(A) Someone has misspelled “toilet” on one of the signs.
(B) British English is quite simply “jacked up.”
(C) One sign is begging the other sign to let her by.
(D) Honestly, people need to start writing stuff in proper American!
9.
(A) He mistakenly thinks his charming smile will get him a peek under the tour guide’s skirts.
(B) He is asking one of the natives if she personally knows Bruce Lee.
(C) He is so overwhelmed by the woman’s natural beauty that he cannot help but touch himself.
(D) He is asking one of the natives if she personally knows Jin and Sun from LOST.
10.
(A) Chuck would chuck wood were Chuck a woodchuck.
(B) The man is wanted by New Zealand police for chopping off Holly Hunter’s fingers.
(C) After being kept up late at night by the shrieking tree dryads, the man has taken matters into his own hands.
(D) The man is making kindling for the Bonfire of the Vanities.
You need more practice! Dingbats.
AARRRRRGGHHH! The agony of it all! It is SO disheartening to learn that people are learning nothing at all! Everyone continues to fail the TOE-ICE practice test. Perhaps I should simply give up and retire. My nerves. My poor, weary, nerves. PLEASE answer the questions. Yes, no doubt you will fail but you may learn how to fail more elegantly.
Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.
1.
(A) The man is covering the woman’s topless dress with the certificate.
(B) When asked what they wear under their kilts the men replied “Depends.”
(C) The woman has received an award for actually wearing a necklace purchased on Etsy.
(D) When asked why they chose to wear skirts the men replied “easy access.”
2.
(A) The man eats to fill the empty void in his soul.
(B) He is involved in a piece of performance art entitled America the Fat and Lazy.
(C) Human bodies are 57 percent water. American bodies are 87 percent lard.
(D) He often loans out his shirt to the circus to use as a performance tent.
3.
(A) They are spending a lovely summer in Winnipeg.
(B) They are on the way to Starbucks for a Vanilla Ice and some Ice-T.
(C) They are embarking on a journey to, well, the end of the street.
(D) They are hungry after six months of winter hibernation.
4.
(A) It is unknown why most hair stylists have monstrous hairstyles.
(B) The woman has conditioned her locks with goats’ blood.
(C) The man is so pasty that it is undetermined as to whether he is wearing a white tank top or not.
(D) The woman has indeed confirmed that the man has a severe case of cooties.
5.
(A) He is saddened that Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich.
(B) He is considering stealing the photographer’s coleslaw.
(C) He is well-accustomed to eating alone every day due to a lack of friends.
(D) He is thinking about putting one of his pubic hairs in the hoagie so that he can complain and get a refund.
6.
(A) Helen Keller recently painted her house blue.
(B) The home’s occupant has a reputation for consuming little German siblings.
(C) LEGO: It’s more than just a toy for yuppies’ children!
(D) The children raised in this house will most likely turn out to be serial killers.
7.
(A) The man is the spitting image of Brad Pitt’s spit.
(B) The egg-yolk cocktail is not up to the man’s high standards.
(C) The block of wood on the counter isn’t the only thing in the picture that is rather dense.
(D) The man has submitted this photo as part of his membership application for AAHOC.*
*AAHOC=Association of Annoying Hipsters of Canada
8.
(A) They are generously giving young girls everywhere eating disorders.
(B) They are filming a commercial for feminine hygiene products in spite of the fact they have no genitals.
(C) They are discussing whether it is possible to have plastic surgery if you are made of plastic.
(D) 1961 is not Ken’s year of birth, but the number of times Barbie has rejected his sexual advances.
9.
(A) She is about to say “Bloody Mary” for the third time.
(B) She is so vain, that she probably thinks this test is about her.
(C) She is regretting having that extra Ritz cracker for lunch.
(D) She is pouting as she was just informed that she is not the fairest of them all.
10.
(A) After waiting for American Airlines to deliver their baggage for nine hours, the passengers have given up.
(B) The sushi bar for giants went bankrupt as no giants live in the vicinity.
(C) Mr. and Mrs. Jones have grown tired of little Timmy and left him to be claimed by new parents.
(D) To avoid lawsuits, United Airlines claims to have turned the baggage invisible instead of losing it.
A COMPLETELY new type of practice test for you dolts!
Directions: Study the photos below, then read the answer choices. Each picture will have two or more people and questions including “what is the man/woman saying” or “what is the man/woman thinking.” Select the best answer for each question. Include your answers in comments after the post. Make sure to double-check your answers before failing…uh, I mean posting.
1. What is the woman saying?
(A) “There’s your wig right over there.”
(B) “If you extend your finger like this, you can use it to point at something.”
(C) “Your girlfriend is a whore. That girl there looks like a decent, Christian woman.”
(D) “You really don’t want to smell my finger.”
________________________________________________________________________
2. What is the man thinking?
(A) “I wonder if anyone realizes I’m not wearing any pants.”
(B) “I’m putting my finger on my cheek like this because then I look very thoughtful.”
(C) “I really do miss having hair.”
(D) “I’m stuck between a bulldozer and an air tunnel.”
_________________________________________________________________________
3. What is the woman thinking?
(A) “Candles are pretty.”
(B) “Maybe he just forgot to put his pants on. I do that all the time.”
(C) “If I tell him I’m pregnant then he will love me and marry me!”
(D) “Huh?”
1. What is the woman saying?
(A) “I wish there was a way to kill you AT&T sales reps with just my thoughts!”
(B) “Damn, bitch! Call someone who cares!”
(C) “Just hanging out in the park with my arm around my invisible fiancé.”
(D) “Oh, I just roll him in flour and look for the wet spot.”
1. What is the woman saying?
(A) “The first thing I do in the morning is take a big poo.”
(B) “This list of winners has only one name on it and it isn’t any of your morons.”
(C) “Remember this one important thing; dying your hair too much will cause hair damage.”
(D) “Put your finger in front of your face and look at something in the distance. I know! It’s amazing! It’s like you are seeing TWO fingers!”
1. What is the man saying?
(A) “I’m a homosexual so you ladies feel free to remove your tops.”
(B) “Both of you at the same time? You’re so funny. But I’m actually saving myself for marriage.”
(C) “I know, my mom picks out my clothes…it’s just hilarious!”
(D) “Of course I come here often. It’s my parent’s basement.”
_________________________________________________________________________
2. What is the woman saying?
(A) “Back off bitch. This stud is…actually, go ahead. You can have him.”
(B) “I just had some of that spinach dip. Can you check my teeth?”
(C) “Yes, it is funny how out of his league I actually am.”
(D) “It’s FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY, FRIDAY!”
_________________________________________________________________________
3. What is the man thinking?
(A) “That guy just said he’s gay! I’m gettin’ me some of that!”
(B) “I’m just gonna sit here in a dark corner looking lonely and fabulous.”
(C) “It DOES feel different to pick the earwax out of my left ear with my right hand!”
(D) “Does anyone notice that I am surreptitiously massaging my groin?”
1. What is the man saying?
(A) “Balderdash my jolly old chap bibbity bobbity boo.”
(B) “I do believe, Winston, you will find my shirt is baby pink and not cherry blossom pink.”
(C) “Yes, this wine is indeed too fruity even for old queens like us.”
(D) “I would be much obliged if you could possibly take me to Funky Town.”
_________________________________________________________________________
2. What is the man saying?
(A) “Balderdash my jolly old chap bibbity bobbity boo.”
(B) “I do believe, Julius, you will find that your shirt was meant to be worn by a little girl.”
(C) “By putting one’s fingers here on the chin it is indicative that one is interested in a conversation even when one is not.”
(D) “What is this Funky Town you speak of? Is it in Bedfordshire?”
Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.
1.
(A) The Lilliputian is strumming the giant violin.
(B) “And one time in band camp I put this bass up my…”
(C) They are playing an acoustical version of “Friday” by Rebecca Black.
(D) The boys have collected a sack full of cash from passers-by who have begged them to shut the fuck up.
2.
(A) The man is crossing his legs like a flaming homosapien.
(B) Tom Ford says that a gentleman should never wear shorts in the city.
(C) The woman is a raving bitch until she has her morning cup of Joe.
(D) The man is suddenly excited as his name is Joe.
3.
(A) The blind date has been as successful as an ice store in Antarctica.
(B) The woman cannot stop scratching at her pink-eye.
(C) The man has shaved his head so that people won’t realise he is balding prematurely.
(D) The woman is depressed as “balding” isn’t the only thing the man does prematurely.
4.
(A) Lock your doors and hide your livestock…the Amish are coming! The AMISH are coming!
(B) The men are taking their pet on a stroll to a glue factory.
(C) Love and marriage actually go together like salt on an open wound.
(D) The courtiers mistakenly thought Kate and William were getting married in the West Indies, instead of Westminster Abby.
5.
(A) The men are cranky because they are constipated.
(B) The woman in the background would like to drink your blood.
(C) Businessmen are simply a waste of space.
(D) These three mooks would never pass a TOE-ICE examination.
6.
(A) The man is painting Shartlet O-Hairy’s portrait.
(B) It is unknown why the man is using a model to do his paint-by-numbers artwork.
(C) Mary Poppins was played by Julie Andrews…not this cheap tramp.
(D) The piles of rotting seaweed are of more value than the artist’s amateur portrait.
7.
(A) Research for his upcoming role as a flight attendant has left Al Pacino exhausted.
(B) The man has the same strap-in contraption in his bedroom.
(C) The American Airline employee is supposed to be serving $3 bottles of water.
(D) The steward couldn’t care less that a teenage couple is making a baby in the lavatory.
8.
(A) The world in general has about had enough of annoying Canadian hipsters.
(B) It is a well-known fact that most members of Greenpeace are stoned out of their gourds.
(C) The people are taking up valuable space that could be used to park vehicles.
(D) It is a well-known fact that the vast majority of Greenpeace members only bathe twice a month.
9.
(A) The ladies will cut the ho who tries to take over their street corner.
(B) One of the women has mistaken a trash receptacle for a toilet.
(C) The cart has been filled with dozens of cans of cat food. And vodka.
(D) Madonna’s legs are still smoking hot considering her age.
10.
(A) Three words: gay…for…pay.
(B) Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.
(C) The tourists are taking pictures of themselves on holiday to post on Facebook and make their “friends” green with envy.
(D) It has slipped the man’s mind that he LOOKS RIDICULOUS IN A SPEEDO.
