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An easy one for you half-wits…

April 26, 2011

Both “styles” of the test will be posted from now on…as you folks are such a persnickety bunch…so don’t get your panties in a knot.

Take the test below, or take it by clicking here:http://toeicefordummies.polldaddy.com/s/an-easy-on-for-you-half-wits?iframe=1

DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.

1.

 

(A) Two of the men moonlight on weekends as feather dusters.

(B) The American tourists think Sleeping Beauty’s castle in Disneyworld is much more impressive.

(C) Two of the men were born with incredibly elongated heads.

(D) Buckingham palace neither bucks, nor was named after cured pork.

 2.

 

(A) It is distasteful to stare at another person’s posterior for more than a few seconds.

(B) The man foolishly bought equipment when his girlfriend told him she was surfing the crimson tide.

(C) The board-member borrowed a board because he’s bored with his own board.

(D) The vehicle isn’t the only thing in the picture that has rear entry.

3.

 

(A) The first meeting for volunteers of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign has officially begun.

(B) Attendance to the non-Asian students association at UCLA was much higher than expected.

(C) The Saudi Arabian chapter of alcoholics anonymous has gotten off to a rocky start.

(D) The customer service department at Yahoo remains empty for a large portion of the year.

4.

 

(A) Just as one should never trust a thin cook, one should never trust a bald barber.

(B) The barber is smiling as he thought the young man said “I’m more of a top than a bottom” rather than “take more off the top than the bottom.”

(C) The young man has turned down the stylist’s advances explaining that he is only gay on Tuesdays.

(D) The hairdresser is amused that the young man’s hairline is receding and that he will soon be as bald as him.

5.

 

(A) One woman is explaining to the other how douching with vinegar will keep her feeling fresh.

(B) Being fat was a sign of health and beauty in ancient times.

(C) The nurses turned black and white in shock when they discovered Dr. Honeycutt’s collection of moonshine.

(D) Contrary to popular belief, nurses’ uniforms in the 1950s were not designed by the KKK.

6.

 

(A) He has discovered where Charlie Brown gets all his Christmas trees.

(B) He is spying on Mr. Moose whose wife suspects him of having an affair with Ms. Elk.

(C) He has cut down all the trees because they impeded his view of the sky.

(D) He is taking photos of the site where he plans to bury his victims.

7.

 

(A) The Wiccans are annoyed when people mistakenly assume they are Canadian hipsters.

(B) Much to the delight of world citizens, the magician club’s next trick will be to make themselves disappear.

(C) Much to the chagrin of the Goths, Liam has chosen to wear an avocado-green shirt.

(D) The Satanists have decided to sacrifice the white person with dreadlocks…and who can blame them?

8.

 

(A) Sister Guenther manages to get around quite well, despite having only one leg.

(B) Sister Klassen thinks Sister Guenther looks like a Jezebel whore without her bonnet on.

(C) Being fat was a sign of health and beauty in ancient times.

(D) Having insulted the Jews so horribly, John Galliano has taken on work as a swimwear designer for the Amish.

 9. 

 

 (A) In an embarrassing twist of events, the bridesmaid just realised she has forgotten to iron her gown.

(B) When asked why she wasn’t wearing white to the wedding, the bride giggled nervously.

(C) The woman’s gown can also be used as a handy tent during camping excursions.

(D) The only way the bride could convince the maid of honour to wear the hideous dress, was to get her incredibly drunk.

  10.

 

(A) The man is demanding a refund for Lindsey Lohan’s latest romantic comedy.

(B) The porn theatre still has a few customers, as senior citizens are incapable of using the Internet.

(C) The man has asked for tickets to the latest “Heddy Lamarr picture show.”

(D) The old couple cannot remember if they remember having seen the film “Remembrance.”

Grrrr…

April 22, 2011

So, although people whined about the previous format of the UNOFFICIAL TOE-ICE practice test, now I see that nobody is clicking the the link to the NEW format which allows examinees to take the test immediately and see their scores!  Argh!  What do you dingbats want?  SO…here is the most recent test in the OLD format. I shall post BOTH versions from now on. The things I do for all of you…the mind boggles.

DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.

1.

 

(A) The lead singer tires of people asking him if his carpet also matches his ginger drapes.

(B) It is uncommonly known that Edward Norton and Cynthia Nixon are also members in a band.

(C) The men are singing a song about the lost innocence of youth entitled Eating Granola on a Vespa.

(D) The audience is thankful for the invention of auto-tune.

2.

 

(A) The man has prepared a light luncheon for Rush Limbaugh.

(B) The man has peed in the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.

(C) The man has blown his nose into the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.

(D) The man should be nominated for sainthood.

 3.

 

(A) Due to public outcry, London’s red light district is now a red bus district.

(B) One would hope the woman has a more attractive outfit in her bag.

(C) The wicked witch has managed to get her red shoes back from Dorothy.

(D) The last time the model had a bowel movement was in 2001 when she ate a cracker.

4.

 

(A) According to Martha Stewart, cyclists in spandex are a good thing.

(B) Who cares what the answer is…there’s a hot, half-naked cyclist wearing spandex!

(C) Tom Cruise would never post a “do not enter” sign anywhere near this fine male specimen (ALLEGEDLY!).

(D) Considering the subject of this picture, the traffic cone seems rather phallic.

 5.

 

 (A) The man is carrying a spare leg in the guitar case.

(B) Canadian hipster fashion is so quirky that it causes people to remove their corneas with claw hammers.

(C) The woman is holding her head as she believes it is about to fall off. *

(C) Due to the incredible amount of couscous they ingest, hippies tend to have lethal gas problems.

*Drugs are bad. M’Kay?

6.

 

(A) She is trimming her bush.

(B) She is giving the lawn a Brazilian.

(C) She has no husband to do the man’s work around the house.

(D) She is shouting “your ass is grass” at the piece of equipment.

7.

 

(A) It remains a mystery as to what businessmen actually do to earn a living.

(B) Pigeons are filthy scavengers which carry disease. Not unlike the two lawyers.

(C) One can only hope that Petunia the Pigeon will take a dump on those nice Brooks Brothers suits.

(D) The grounds of Buckingham Palace are notorious cruising grounds for young princes.

8.

 

(A) The impoverished man cannot afford to purchase himself a shirt.

(B)  The pet should be taken away from her master, as he has obviously snapped her tail in rage.

(C) As the man must go around shirtless, the woman is pleased that he is impoverished.

(D) After being stung by a jellyfish the man was unable to convince the woman or the dog to pee on him.

9.

 

(A) The British have notoriously terrible teeth.

(B) Cher’s appearance before going through hair and makeup is quite shocking.

(C) One monkey is crying out in pain while the other is popping a pimple on his back.

(D) This photo belongs in the TOE-LICE test, not the TOE-ICE test.

10.

 

(A) The speaker is showing audience members which palm he uses to pleasure himself.

(B) The man has raised five fingers to indicate the number of times he pleasures himself in a day.

(C) The speaker is asking for five volunteers to assist him in pleasuring himself.

(D) The man is hilarious to look at because he is bald.

Another practice test for you nimrods. Oh, this is tiring.

April 21, 2011

Here’s the next one. Gosh, I am drained trying to help you simpletons learn.

Find out what this man is indicating to his audience through the use of sign language.

Take the UNOFFICIAL TOE-ICE practice test by clicking THIS LINK:
http://toeicefordummies.polldaddy.com/s/because-i-care-for-your-education-another-test-for-you-dolts?iframe=1

Back by unpopular demand…”What are they saying?”

April 20, 2011

Look at the picture below. Choose the answer that best describes what each person in the picture is saying:

MAN:

(A) No, I am not related to Lucy Liu.

(B) You think there’s a computer in my bag just because I’m Asian? Racist!

(C) Have you ever considered getting your nappy hair straightened?

(D) It hurts that you are responding to my asking you out on a date with laughter.

WOMAN:

(A) Then are you related to Jackie Chan?

(B) It is obvious to me that you are hiding your erection with that computer bag.

(C) Have you ever considered wearing men’s shoes?

(D) Sorry, I’m just laughing because I thought you asked me out on a date!

Newest TOE-ICE Practice Test for You Dolts…

April 12, 2011

CLICK ON THIS TO TAKE THE TOE-ICE PRACTICE TEST:  View Survey

Find out why on God’s green earth the woman is raising her hand!

SO…like this better? Or back to the old style?

April 4, 2011

CLICK ON THIS TO TAKE THE NEW STYLE TOE-ICE TEST:  View Survey

What could possibly be the correct answer for this picture? Well, click above and take the damn test to find out…lazy dingbats.

I know you folks are SO busy filing your nails, but check this out…do you like the new format of the UNOFFICIAL official TOE-ICE practice test or not? Comments?

Even though it seems pointless…another practice test for you imbeciles.

April 4, 2011

DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.

1.

 

(A) The younger man is indeed proof that there IS a lid for every potter.

(B) The older man is imagining that he is Patrick Swayze and the other man is Demi Moore.

(C) The younger man is making the older man a pot to piss in.

(D)  After graduating from Hogwarts, Ron opened a ceramics studio under the pseudonym of “Hairy Potter.”

2.

 

(A) Daylight robbery in Idaho is simply out of control.

(B) Unfortunately for the rednecks, they have not yet heard about the invention of a “wallet.”

(C) Film production on Transformers: Rise of the ATMS is coming along swimmingly.

(D) The men wish they could find a woman that allows them to insert things into her and spits out cash.

 3.

 

(A) The privileged white women are taking advantage of the cheap labour of the lower classes.

(B) One woman takes care of paws while the other one takes care of hooves.

(C) The manicurists are not amused that the customer’s “tip” was for them to “learn to speak better English.”

(D) The women may have disgusting careers, but both their children are attending UCLA.

4.

 

(A) A family from the Ozarks is moving into a brand new lawn.

(B) When life gives you two lawn chairs, a bicycle, and a dog…set up house.

(C) The movers are informing the clients that the van is for rent, but not as a residence.

(D) The woman is scolding her pet for staring at the shirtless hillbilly walking down the road.

5.

 

(A) Talking to oneself is a sure sign of schizophrenia.

(B) If you say the word “apple” whilst holding your tongue with your fingers it sounds like a naughty synonym for “rectum.”

(C) The man’s ID badge, headset, and Mac make him feel important.

(D) A large, black snot-ball is hanging from one of the man’s nostrils.

6.

 

(A) Natives of India still have yet to learn how to properly play baseball.

(B) A cricket is an insect somewhat related to the grasshopper.

(C) Take the words “long bat, balls, tight end, pads, bent over, poles” and make your own damn joke.

(D) By rubbing their legs together, the cricketers emit a high-pitched noise that drives away mates.

7.

 

(A) A TOE-ICE examination is incomplete without a photograph of a bouchedag Canadian hipster.

(B) He is talking to his indie-album promoter about an upcoming gig at the local men’s public restrooms.

(C) “Bouchedag” is not a real word, but it should be.

(D) He is growing out his hair so that he can later use it to make a “whimsicle” macramé hammock.

8.

 

(A) Someone has misspelled “toilet” on one of the signs.

(B) British English is quite simply “jacked up.”

(C) One sign is begging the other sign to let her by.

(D) Honestly, people need to start writing stuff in proper American!

9.

 

(A) He mistakenly thinks his charming smile will get him a peek under the tour guide’s skirts.

(B) He is asking one of the natives if she personally knows Bruce Lee.

(C) He is so overwhelmed by the woman’s natural beauty that he cannot help but touch himself.

(D) He is asking one of the natives if she personally knows Jin and Sun from LOST.

10.

 

(A) Chuck would chuck wood were Chuck a woodchuck.

(B) The man is wanted by New Zealand police for chopping off Holly Hunter’s fingers.

(C) After being kept up late at night by the shrieking tree dryads, the man has taken matters into his own hands.

(D) The man is making kindling for the Bonfire of the Vanities.

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