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OK…I get the message. An easier test this time.

March 18, 2011

I see that all of you are failing to answer even one question correctly in the unofficial official TOE-ICE practice tests. Now, I know it is not my fault as these practice tests are beyond perfection. It must be because you are all ignorant, unintuitive, have incredibly low IQs, or are Ewoks. You will NEVER pass the official official TOE-ICE test if you don’t get your acts together!  So, I have decided to make the next practice test easier. I know, I am caving in to “market pressure.”  Simply look at the photo and choose the answer which is OBVIOUSLY correct. Sigh. Idiots make me feel sleepy.

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture.  Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.

1.

 

(A) The young woman has just had a hysteria-ectomy.

(B) The older woman is explaining that kidney stones are as painful as childbirth.

(C) The young woman is retching from the stench of her own bedpan.

(D) The older woman has just told the younger woman that she has 4 minutes to live.

2.

 

(A) They Chinese, they play joke, they go pee-pee in your Coke.

(B) The suicide rate of customers at Walmart is at an all-time high.

(C) Answer (B) is COMPLETELY untrue and unfounded (according to my lawyer).

(D) The people’s reflections on the drinks case prove that they are not vampires.

3.

 

(A) The man and woman are waiting for their telephone-pole dancing class to begin.

(B) Must not make “hooker joke.” Must not make “hooker joke.”

(C) The man will work for a pair of shorts that fit him in a more flattering way.

(D) The man is holding a sign which reads “She’s da pimp and I’m da ho.”

4.

 

(A) “The best laid plans of mice and men” is a ridiculous phrase that is completely illogical.

(B) The men are wearing helmets to protect themselves from hair damage.

(C) Progress on the Trans-American sidewalk is coming along swimmingly.

(D) The men are burying their feelings under three tonnes of gravel.

 5.

 

(A) The writer of this test is ever so quirky and witty.

(B) The man is not Asian, he is a LEGO.

(C)  Staring at this picture too long will cause colour blindness.

(D) The man is a blockhead.

6.

 

(A) The man needs to start hitting on women his own age.

(B) The woman has filled the green bag with extra dinner rolls.

(C) The couple’s passion is a fire hazard.

(D) The man is explaining that he is going to put his mother into a rest home.

 7.

 

(A) The man is showing off his new wheels to the ladies.

(B) The ladies are unimpressed that the man has “enough to take care of” both of them.

(C) The man is cruising the streets for a “little bit on the side.”

(D) The ladies couldn’t care less that the man gets his “baby” up to 7 miles per hour.

8.

 

(A) He is, like, his own person, and like, doesn’t follow social norms, cuz, like, he has to be himself.

(B) The man is perturbed to find a picture of himself in a publication entitled Boob of the Year.

(C) Canadian hipsters are rather annoying.

(D) The man believes he is the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde.

9.

 

(A) The horizontal stripes are doing nothing for the woman’s figure.

(B) A baby beaver has attacked the side of the woman’s head.

(C) The women have advanced degrees in arm-wrestling.

(D) The phrase “magna cum laude” causes most people to giggle.

10.

 

(A) The women are washing some dishes as they should be.

(B) The man is looking around for his manhood.

(C) The man has just noticed what a hideous shirt he is wearing.

(D) The man has realised that his life is as stagnant as the dirty dishwater.

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