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You need more practice! Dingbats.

March 31, 2011

AARRRRRGGHHH!  The agony of it all! It is SO disheartening to learn that people are learning nothing at all! Everyone continues to fail the TOE-ICE practice test. Perhaps I should simply give up and retire. My nerves. My poor, weary, nerves. PLEASE answer the questions. Yes, no doubt you will fail but you may learn how to fail more elegantly.

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.

 1.

 

(A) The man is covering the woman’s topless dress with the certificate.

(B) When asked what they wear under their kilts the men replied “Depends.”

(C) The woman has received an award for actually wearing a necklace purchased on Etsy.

(D) When asked why they chose to wear skirts the men replied “easy access.”

2.

 

(A) The man eats to fill the empty void in his soul.

(B) He is involved in a piece of performance art entitled America the Fat and Lazy.

(C) Human bodies are 57 percent water. American bodies are 87 percent lard.

(D) He often loans out his shirt to the circus to use as a performance tent.

3.

 

(A) They are spending a lovely summer in Winnipeg.

(B) They are on the way to Starbucks for a Vanilla Ice and some Ice-T.

(C) They are embarking on a journey to, well, the end of the street.

(D) They are hungry after six months of winter hibernation.

4.

 

(A) It is unknown why most hair stylists have monstrous hairstyles.

(B) The woman has conditioned her locks with goats’ blood.

(C) The man is so pasty that it is undetermined as to whether he is wearing a white tank top or not.

(D) The woman has indeed confirmed that the man has a severe case of cooties.

5.

 

(A) He is saddened that Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich.

(B) He is considering stealing the photographer’s coleslaw.

(C) He is well-accustomed to eating alone every day due to a lack of friends.

(D) He is thinking about putting one of his pubic hairs in the hoagie so that he can complain and get a refund.

6.

 

(A) Helen Keller recently painted her house blue.

(B) The home’s occupant has a reputation for consuming little German siblings.

(C) LEGO: It’s more than just a toy for yuppies’ children!

(D) The children raised in this house will most likely turn out to be serial killers.

7.

 

(A) The man is the spitting image of Brad Pitt’s spit.

(B) The egg-yolk cocktail is not up to the man’s high standards.

(C) The block of wood on the counter isn’t the only thing in the picture that is rather dense.

(D) The man has submitted this photo as part of his membership application for AAHOC.*

*AAHOC=Association of Annoying Hipsters of Canada

8.

 

(A) They are generously giving young girls everywhere eating disorders.

(B) They are filming a commercial for feminine hygiene products in spite of the fact they have no genitals.

(C) They are discussing whether it is possible to have plastic surgery if you are made of plastic.

(D) 1961 is not Ken’s year of birth, but the number of times Barbie has rejected his sexual advances.

9.

 

(A) She is about to say “Bloody Mary” for the third time.

(B) She is so vain, that she probably thinks this test is about her.

(C) She is regretting having that extra Ritz cracker for lunch.

(D) She is pouting as she was just informed that she is not the fairest of them all.

10.

 

(A) After waiting for American Airlines to deliver their baggage for nine hours, the passengers have given up.

(B) The sushi bar for giants went bankrupt as no giants live in the vicinity.

(C) Mr. and Mrs. Jones have grown tired of little Timmy and left him to be claimed by new parents.

(D) To avoid lawsuits, United Airlines claims to have turned the baggage invisible instead of losing it.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 31, 2011 8:17 pm

    1 b 2c 3d 4b 5d 6a 7b 8a 9a 10d

  2. March 31, 2011 11:48 pm

    Thank-you for your less-than-stellar “attempt” at passing the UNOFFICIAL official TOE-ICE test. Regretably, you failed with only one answer correct out of 10 (#10 was correct, for your reference…but was so easy that it was practically a give-away so don’t be crowing like a cock in the morning). Better luck next time. Dingbat.

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