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April 22, 2011

So, although people whined about the previous format of the UNOFFICIAL TOE-ICE practice test, now I see that nobody is clicking the the link to the NEW format which allows examinees to take the test immediately and see their scores!  Argh!  What do you dingbats want?  SO…here is the most recent test in the OLD format. I shall post BOTH versions from now on. The things I do for all of you…the mind boggles.

DIRECTIONS: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.



(A) The lead singer tires of people asking him if his carpet also matches his ginger drapes.

(B) It is uncommonly known that Edward Norton and Cynthia Nixon are also members in a band.

(C) The men are singing a song about the lost innocence of youth entitled Eating Granola on a Vespa.

(D) The audience is thankful for the invention of auto-tune.



(A) The man has prepared a light luncheon for Rush Limbaugh.

(B) The man has peed in the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.

(C) The man has blown his nose into the food prepared for Rush Limbaugh.

(D) The man should be nominated for sainthood.



(A) Due to public outcry, London’s red light district is now a red bus district.

(B) One would hope the woman has a more attractive outfit in her bag.

(C) The wicked witch has managed to get her red shoes back from Dorothy.

(D) The last time the model had a bowel movement was in 2001 when she ate a cracker.



(A) According to Martha Stewart, cyclists in spandex are a good thing.

(B) Who cares what the answer is…there’s a hot, half-naked cyclist wearing spandex!

(C) Tom Cruise would never post a “do not enter” sign anywhere near this fine male specimen (ALLEGEDLY!).

(D) Considering the subject of this picture, the traffic cone seems rather phallic.



 (A) The man is carrying a spare leg in the guitar case.

(B) Canadian hipster fashion is so quirky that it causes people to remove their corneas with claw hammers.

(C) The woman is holding her head as she believes it is about to fall off. *

(C) Due to the incredible amount of couscous they ingest, hippies tend to have lethal gas problems.

*Drugs are bad. M’Kay?



(A) She is trimming her bush.

(B) She is giving the lawn a Brazilian.

(C) She has no husband to do the man’s work around the house.

(D) She is shouting “your ass is grass” at the piece of equipment.



(A) It remains a mystery as to what businessmen actually do to earn a living.

(B) Pigeons are filthy scavengers which carry disease. Not unlike the two lawyers.

(C) One can only hope that Petunia the Pigeon will take a dump on those nice Brooks Brothers suits.

(D) The grounds of Buckingham Palace are notorious cruising grounds for young princes.



(A) The impoverished man cannot afford to purchase himself a shirt.

(B)  The pet should be taken away from her master, as he has obviously snapped her tail in rage.

(C) As the man must go around shirtless, the woman is pleased that he is impoverished.

(D) After being stung by a jellyfish the man was unable to convince the woman or the dog to pee on him.



(A) The British have notoriously terrible teeth.

(B) Cher’s appearance before going through hair and makeup is quite shocking.

(C) One monkey is crying out in pain while the other is popping a pimple on his back.

(D) This photo belongs in the TOE-LICE test, not the TOE-ICE test.



(A) The speaker is showing audience members which palm he uses to pleasure himself.

(B) The man has raised five fingers to indicate the number of times he pleasures himself in a day.

(C) The speaker is asking for five volunteers to assist him in pleasuring himself.

(D) The man is hilarious to look at because he is bald.

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