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You need more practice! Dingbats.

March 31, 2011

AARRRRRGGHHH!  The agony of it all! It is SO disheartening to learn that people are learning nothing at all! Everyone continues to fail the TOE-ICE practice test. Perhaps I should simply give up and retire. My nerves. My poor, weary, nerves. PLEASE answer the questions. Yes, no doubt you will fail but you may learn how to fail more elegantly.

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers. Best of luck…you’ll need it dumbass.



(A) The man is covering the woman’s topless dress with the certificate.

(B) When asked what they wear under their kilts the men replied “Depends.”

(C) The woman has received an award for actually wearing a necklace purchased on Etsy.

(D) When asked why they chose to wear skirts the men replied “easy access.”



(A) The man eats to fill the empty void in his soul.

(B) He is involved in a piece of performance art entitled America the Fat and Lazy.

(C) Human bodies are 57 percent water. American bodies are 87 percent lard.

(D) He often loans out his shirt to the circus to use as a performance tent.



(A) They are spending a lovely summer in Winnipeg.

(B) They are on the way to Starbucks for a Vanilla Ice and some Ice-T.

(C) They are embarking on a journey to, well, the end of the street.

(D) They are hungry after six months of winter hibernation.



(A) It is unknown why most hair stylists have monstrous hairstyles.

(B) The woman has conditioned her locks with goats’ blood.

(C) The man is so pasty that it is undetermined as to whether he is wearing a white tank top or not.

(D) The woman has indeed confirmed that the man has a severe case of cooties.



(A) He is saddened that Mama Cass choked to death on a ham sandwich.

(B) He is considering stealing the photographer’s coleslaw.

(C) He is well-accustomed to eating alone every day due to a lack of friends.

(D) He is thinking about putting one of his pubic hairs in the hoagie so that he can complain and get a refund.



(A) Helen Keller recently painted her house blue.

(B) The home’s occupant has a reputation for consuming little German siblings.

(C) LEGO: It’s more than just a toy for yuppies’ children!

(D) The children raised in this house will most likely turn out to be serial killers.



(A) The man is the spitting image of Brad Pitt’s spit.

(B) The egg-yolk cocktail is not up to the man’s high standards.

(C) The block of wood on the counter isn’t the only thing in the picture that is rather dense.

(D) The man has submitted this photo as part of his membership application for AAHOC.*

*AAHOC=Association of Annoying Hipsters of Canada



(A) They are generously giving young girls everywhere eating disorders.

(B) They are filming a commercial for feminine hygiene products in spite of the fact they have no genitals.

(C) They are discussing whether it is possible to have plastic surgery if you are made of plastic.

(D) 1961 is not Ken’s year of birth, but the number of times Barbie has rejected his sexual advances.



(A) She is about to say “Bloody Mary” for the third time.

(B) She is so vain, that she probably thinks this test is about her.

(C) She is regretting having that extra Ritz cracker for lunch.

(D) She is pouting as she was just informed that she is not the fairest of them all.



(A) After waiting for American Airlines to deliver their baggage for nine hours, the passengers have given up.

(B) The sushi bar for giants went bankrupt as no giants live in the vicinity.

(C) Mr. and Mrs. Jones have grown tired of little Timmy and left him to be claimed by new parents.

(D) To avoid lawsuits, United Airlines claims to have turned the baggage invisible instead of losing it.


A COMPLETELY new type of practice test for you dolts!

March 30, 2011

Directions: Study the photos below, then read the answer choices. Each picture will have two or more people and questions including “what is the man/woman saying” or “what is the man/woman thinking.” Select the best answer for each question. Include your answers in comments after the post. Make sure to double-check your answers before failing…uh, I mean posting.


1. What is the woman saying?

(A) “There’s your wig right over there.”

(B) “If you extend your finger like this, you can use it to point at something.”

(C) “Your girlfriend is a whore.  That girl there looks like a decent, Christian woman.”

(D) “You really don’t want to smell my finger.”


2. What is the man thinking?

(A) “I wonder if anyone realizes I’m not wearing any pants.”

(B) “I’m putting my finger on my cheek like this because then I look very thoughtful.”

(C) “I really do miss having hair.”

(D) “I’m stuck between a bulldozer and an air tunnel.”


3. What is the woman thinking?

(A) “Candles are pretty.”

(B) “Maybe he just forgot to put his pants on. I do that all the time.”

(C) “If I tell him I’m pregnant then he will love me and marry me!”

(D) “Huh?”


1. What is the woman saying?

(A) “I wish there was a way to kill you AT&T sales reps with just my thoughts!”

(B) “Damn, bitch!  Call someone who cares!”

(C) “Just hanging out in the park with my arm around my invisible fiancé.”

(D) “Oh, I just roll him in flour and look for the wet spot.”


1. What is the woman saying?

(A) “The first thing I do in the morning is take a big poo.”

(B) “This list of winners has only one name on it and it isn’t any of your morons.”

(C) “Remember this one important thing; dying your hair too much will cause hair damage.”

(D) “Put your finger in front of your face and look at something in the distance. I know!  It’s amazing! It’s like you are seeing TWO fingers!”

1. What is the man saying?

(A) “I’m a homosexual so you ladies feel free to remove your tops.”

(B) “Both of you at the same time? You’re so funny. But I’m actually saving myself for marriage.”

(C) “I know, my mom picks out my clothes…it’s just hilarious!”

(D) “Of course I come here often. It’s my parent’s basement.”


2. What is the woman saying?

(A) “Back off bitch. This stud is…actually, go ahead. You can have him.”

(B) “I just had some of that spinach dip. Can you check my teeth?”

(C) “Yes, it is funny how out of his league I actually am.”



3. What is the man thinking?

(A) “That guy just said he’s gay! I’m gettin’ me some of that!”

(B) “I’m just gonna sit here in a dark corner looking lonely and fabulous.”

(C) “It DOES feel different to pick the earwax out of my left ear with my right hand!”

(D) “Does anyone notice that I am surreptitiously massaging my groin?”


1. What is the man saying?

(A) “Balderdash my jolly old chap bibbity bobbity boo.”

(B) “I do believe, Winston, you will find my shirt is baby pink and not cherry blossom pink.”

(C) “Yes, this wine is indeed too fruity even for old queens like us.”

(D) “I would be much obliged if you could possibly take me to Funky Town.”


2. What is the man saying?

(A) “Balderdash my jolly old chap bibbity bobbity boo.”

(B) “I do believe, Julius, you will find that your shirt was meant to be worn by a little girl.”

(C) “By putting one’s fingers here on the chin it is indicative that one is interested in a conversation even when one is not.”

(D) “What is this Funky Town you speak of? Is it in Bedfordshire?”

Out of the goodness of my heart…another practice test just for you!

March 28, 2011

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture. Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.



(A)   The Lilliputian is strumming the giant violin.

(B)   “And one time in band camp I put this bass up my…”

(C)   They are playing an acoustical version of “Friday” by Rebecca Black.

(D)   The boys have collected a sack full of cash from passers-by who have begged them to shut the fuck up.


 (A)   The man is crossing his legs like a flaming homosapien.

(B)   Tom Ford says that a gentleman should never wear shorts in the city.

(C)   The woman is a raving bitch until she has her morning cup of Joe.

(D)   The man is suddenly excited as his name is Joe.



(A)   The blind date has been as successful as an ice store in Antarctica.

(B)   The woman cannot stop scratching at her pink-eye.

(C)   The man has shaved his head so that people won’t realise he is balding prematurely.

(D)   The woman is depressed as “balding” isn’t the only thing the man does prematurely.



(A)   Lock your doors and hide your livestock…the Amish are coming! The AMISH are coming!

(B)   The men are taking their pet on a stroll to a glue factory.

(C)   Love and marriage actually go together like salt on an open wound.

(D)   The courtiers mistakenly thought Kate and William were getting married in the West Indies, instead of Westminster Abby.



(A)   The men are cranky because they are constipated.

(B)   The woman in the background would like to drink your blood.

(C)   Businessmen are simply a waste of space.

(D)   These three mooks would never pass a TOE-ICE examination.



(A)   The man is painting Shartlet O-Hairy’s portrait.

(B)   It is unknown why the man is using a model to do his paint-by-numbers artwork.

(C)   Mary Poppins was played by Julie Andrews…not this cheap tramp.

(D)   The piles of rotting seaweed are of more value than the artist’s amateur portrait.



(A)   Research for his upcoming role as a flight attendant has left Al Pacino exhausted.

(B)   The man has the same strap-in contraption in his bedroom.

(C)   The American Airline employee is supposed to be serving $3 bottles of water.

(D)   The steward couldn’t care less that a teenage couple is making a baby in the lavatory.



(A)   The world in general has about had enough of annoying Canadian hipsters.

(B)   It is a well-known fact that most members of Greenpeace are stoned out of their gourds.

(C)   The people are taking up valuable space that could be used to park vehicles.

(D)   It is a well-known fact that the vast majority of Greenpeace members only bathe twice a month.



(A)   The ladies will cut the ho who tries to take over their street corner.

(B)   One of the women has mistaken a trash receptacle for a toilet.

(C)   The cart has been filled with dozens of cans of cat food. And vodka.

(D)   Madonna’s legs are still smoking hot considering her age.



(A)   Three words: gay…for…pay.

(B)   Vanity is one of the seven deadly sins.

(C)   The tourists are taking pictures of themselves on holiday to post on Facebook and make their “friends” green with envy.

(D)   It has slipped the man’s mind that he LOOKS RIDICULOUS IN A SPEEDO.

Another TOE-ICE practice test. Aren’t you morons lucky?

March 27, 2011

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture.  Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.



(A) The dirty dog is climbing up a ladder.

(B) The man’s jeans are filling up a crack.

(C) There’s a large spot on the wall, and another large Spot on the lawn.

(D) Romeo has discovered that Juliet is no longer interested.



(A) Florence Henderson keeps fit by avoiding trans-fats and playing with large balls.

(B) What a bunch of dumbbells.

(C) The people could save a lot of money simply by going for a jog in the park.

(D) Young men have big balls and old men have smaller balls.



(A) The writer of this test is far too clever to make a joke about pussies.

(B) Tourists will take pictures of absolutely anything.

(C) The sequel to Catwoman stars an unknown Japanese actress and has a budget of $35.

(D) Two out of five cats are uninterested in cooperating with the paparazzi.



(A) It is rather strange that Liam Gallagher cannot afford a mobile phone.

(B) The man’s mother has packed him an apple, a cookie, and a peanut butter and cyanide sandwich.

(C) It’s sad what happens to aging Canadian hipsters.

(D) The paper sack contains both alcoholic beverages and gadgets purchased from a sex shop.



(A) The intern mistakenly believes she is sending a man through a Stargate.

(B) The screen shows that the patient has terminal hiccups.

(C) Dr. Meredith Grey is nearly annoying as Ally McBeal.

(D) MRI is an acronym for “em are eye.”



(A) It would be inappropriate to mention what the woman plans to do with one of those bananas.

(B) Bananas are a miracle fruit especially for those wearing a monkey suit.

(C) The sex education teacher is purchasing props for her next class.

(D) The woman wishes her boyfriend were so well-endowed.



(A) The Smiths are a family of five, which means little Johnny always eats on the floor with the dog.

(B) Karen Carpenter has laid out an enormous Thanksgiving Day feast.

(C) Mrs. Plant is calling for her daughters Fern and Ivy to come for dinner.

(D) Do people STILL not realize that one should never mix redwood and pine?



(A) Whores.

(B) Canadian whores.

(C) Canadian hipster whores.

(D) Canadian hipster whores on grass.



(A) One man is demonstrating how to gently cup a man’s scrotum when checking for testicular cancer.

(B) One man is considering stealing the other man’s hair to make an elegant toupee.

(C) Both men lost their legs below the knee in a tragic ballet accident.

(D) Both men have backwashed into the bottle of water.



(A) The woman is teaching the firefighters how to shake-a-paw.

(B) Only two of the four men should be allowed to model for the “hot firefighters calendar.”

(C) The woman is congratulating the men for successfully showing her how to slide up and down their poles.

(D) Bill Clinton is up to his old tricks again.

Let’s Try This AGAIN Morons…

March 24, 2011

Below you will see an OFFICIAL unofficial picture from an actual OFFICIAL official TOE-ICE test. As you are all going to FAIL the test at this point, practice writing your own damned questions. Look at the picture below. Study it HARD. What is the REAL truth of the photograph? Dig hard into your little brains and pull out an answer. No doubt it will be WRONG…but write your answer in the comments section anyway so I can rip it apart and make you feel foolish:

How will you dummies ever pass the OFFICIAL official test, if you don’t leave your answers?

March 24, 2011

Come on people!  Leave your answers in the comments section. Naturally, you will always be wrong…but you will learn from your mistakes! Ok, that’s a lie. Whatever. Leave your answers anyway so I can mock you.

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture.  Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.



(A) Semi-robotic clones will soon replace flight attendants in the travel industry.

(B) One of the stewardesses apparently has four arms.

(C) The name “Singapore” has nothing to do with singing or the poor.

(D) The ladies are laughing at a group of American Airline flight staff that just walked by.



(A) The man is indicating with his hands the size of his manhood.

(B) The woman is indicating that the man’s manhood is two inches in length.

(C) The people are ignoring the sign which reads “loiterers will be executed.”

(D) The lawn is covered in large flakes of dandruff.



(A) The minister is preparing a sermon on the sinfulness of sin.

(B) It is unknown why the man continues to stare at the empty computer screen.

(C) Pink colored post-its have been banned from the office bulletin board.

(D) The man has ordered a pair of lacy panties on E-bay. For himself.



(A) The Hogwarts Express now runs daily trips to Shanghai.

(B)  The fans are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Lon, Helmione, and Hally Pottel.

(C) The locomotive is incapable of doing the locomotion with Kylie Minogue.

(D) Thomas the Tank Engine has a cousin who is a Goth.



(A) The room is being prepared for the knights of the oblong table.

(B) The invisible woman is removing all her clothing in the conference room.

(C) The closet contains several celebrity Scientologists. (ALLEGEDLY!!!)

(D) The annual meeting for black gay Republicans has officially been called to order.



(A) They are quite perturbed that sandwiches have been served at their wedding reception.

(B) They are not a married couple as no gay man would be caught dead wearing one of those ties.

(C) They are attending a farewell dinner before being sent to Mongolia to spread the word of Brigham Young.

(D) They are dismayed at the amount of meat packed into only one tight bun.



(A) The Israelites are marching around the walls of Jericho.

(B) Canadian hipster tourists are rather annoying.

(C) The backpackers are headed for a park with their sleeping bags because hostels are too expensive.

(C) Sherwood Forest has become overrun with teenage runaways.



(A) The chauffer is forcing the spoilt rich brat to row his own damned boat.

(B) The only reason this picture is in the test is because that boy is so hot.

(C) The man in the hat is displaying his goods to a young customer.

(D) “Row the boat, oar I will paddle you sternly on your poop deck!”



(A) He recently heard that marijuana plants respond well to music.

(B) He has a large cyst on his left buttock, making it painful to sit on the chair.

(C) He has partaken in some herbal refreshment and is now willing the piano to play itself.

(D) He is composing the theme song to Dude, Where’s my Car?



(A) One of the women has rather large melons.

(B) The man believes the year is still 1964.

(C) A joke about the Muslim woman will not be made out of fear of reprisal.

 (D) The man has taken the women’s cherries.

A New UNOFFICIAL official TOE-ICE Practice Test for Dummies…

March 21, 2011

Directions: For each question in this test you will read four statements about the picture. After you read the statements, you must select the one that best describes what you see in the picture.  Choose your response, and check back later to see if you have chosen the correct answers.



(A) The woman is undressing her cooking instructor with her eyes.

(B) The man is adding frogs and snails to bowl of puppy-dog tails.

(C) The portly gentleman’s skirt clashes with his striped blouse.

(D) The students are skeptical about the man’s recipe for cream of sum yung guy soup.



(A) Robert Downey Junior had a facelift for the upcoming Iron Man III.

(B) The man should ask his wife, mother, or girlfriend to fulfill this task.

(C) Cargo shorts contain no actual cargo.

(D) The man has discovered lipstick on the collar of his wife’s shirt.



(A) A presentation is being given for the Harvard Chicken Coop Owners Association.

(B) The shelves have been filled with publications on the topic of poultry.

(C) A hen is clucking into a microphone.

(D) The speaker is from BARNYARD not HARVARD.



(A) There is about to be a disastrous head-on collision.

(B) Don’t worry. There are only lawyers on board the trains.

(C) There is something rather homoerotic about this photograph.

(D) Don’t worry. There are only Canadian hipsters on board the trains.



(A) The man never picks up his pets’ excrement.

(B) Fifi thinks Lulu is a real bitch.

(C) The man keeps his daughters on short leashes.

(D) Lulu thinks Fifi ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog.



(A) Dancing with the Stars is such an easy target for mockery.

(B) It is fun to throw rotting produce at street performers.

(C) An angry mob has formed around the dancing mimes.

(D) A large bird’s nest can be seen in the foreground.



(A) He is assisting a United Airlines customer whose flight was cancelled.

(B) He is shooting the shit with his home-boy Abdul Abdullah.

(C) He is giving the former first lady of Nigeria his bank account information.

(D) He has been on hold with Yahoo’s complaints department for the past two hours.



(A) The doorman is becoming increasingly annoyed with Katy the Copy-Cat.

(B) The young man is startled by his reflection in the door window.

(C) The people are pointing toward the point of no return.

(D) “Go there.” “Go THERE?” “GO THERE.” “Ah. Go THERE!”



(A) Crowds of people have line up to purchase tickets for the Susan Boyle world tour.

(B) Terminal 2 at Pyongyang International Airport has recently been opened.

(C) The writer of this test is an ignorant dolt, because the writing is obviously not Korean.

(D) A glowing time portal has opened in the bus station’s floor.



(A) The woman has hidden ET’s babies in her basket.

(B) Canadian hipsters are rather annoying.

(C) The cyclists should be shot for not using the bicycle lane.

(D) Members of Meals on Wheels are headed to the annual cannibal convention.